Living as strangers in the same house got so bad, I realized that I really wanted to save our family. Her response was less than enthusiastic. I suspected she was having an affair, but she lied to my face about it and abused me. Even after I found out the truth, I told him we could work through it. Eventually, I caught her in another lie which was the last straw.
Per legal advice, I planned to stay at home until a parenting agreement was reached. She was so mean and bad that the situation was unbearable and I was forced to go out. I only took the furniture and my car, even though I invested in the mortgage, maintenance and upgrades, doing a lot of the work on my own. Even then, I wrote her a long letter thanking her for the relationship, expressing how much she meant to me and apologizing for any hurt I had caused her.
All I got in return was a year-long legal battle over equal parenting time, custodial rights, and medical decision-making. I won in all three areas. I am now in a relationship with someone who is caring, open, honest and transparent, and it feels good.
Here is my point. I want nothing to do with my ex unless it has to do with our son. I don’t want to co-parent; Instead, I practice parallel parenting. I don’t want to be otherwise engaging and “be nice” when we are at his events. I totally ignore it. He is a very active child, so there are lots of events, practices, etc., sometimes multiple a week.
Our son didn’t ask about the apparent lack of any engagement. Do you think this is affecting him negatively? Do you think I should at least exchange greetings for their sake?
A father: This seems like a simple question with a simple answer – “Yes, be ‘nice’ to your son, because of course ignoring his mother has a negative effect.”
However, given the years of conflict your son has witnessed, he may be relieved that you are avoiding each other, and prefer these events without fear that his parents will fight.
I’m not saying this is right or that it’s okay to ignore each other. Treating people as if they don’t exist is objectively terrible and a very last resort. My point is that “for his sake” rests on him, on how he really feels, not on me or you or any other adult pronouncing what’s best for him. You don’t act in a vacuum either; You may decide to wish your ex, but she decides how she responds.
Obviously, as a parent of a minor child, you have to make a judgment call without knowing your child’s mental state. But you’ll serve him better if you work with broader goals focused on his mental health, versus the reality you have. Use your senses to read what “should” be happening – and what it needs. And his smooth daily conversation lets you take him to topics he’s willing to talk about.
For example, it’s tempting to think, “I need to say hi to his mom so our son can see us getting together”—such a simple, unobjectionable cause and effect. But dig deeper for the reason you’re considering this move: You want to see her world as stable and supportive vs. Desire as a source of anxiety, so he has room to grow and try new things and build confidence. You want him to believe in his parents and himself. right?
If so, then given the realities you have, is wishing your ex the best way to get it over with? Maybe so. Perhaps not, if engagement would invite conflict. Perhaps let your anger cool with indifference. Perhaps more creative scheduling is the answer. Maybe notice the way your son pulls you in when you enter the room.
For sure, the answer isn’t to ignore his mom just because her “I don’t want to” is about your son, not you, so this is good — you’re asking the right questions to get better answers.
When you figure out what he needs, though, it’s not a fixed amount. Right now, a discreet distance may be the wisest. Over time you will find that it needs to be done differently, or that your reality has shifted to new options.
What remains constant is your son’s rightful place on your list of priorities. Be attentive and “listen” for those things. Be ready to be what he needs you to be.
